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Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. . Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, " That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

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It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your boobs," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell * HIM*, you have a headache!"

~ ~ ~

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."" The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have just Rs. IO/-

~ ~ ~

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between tow elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy, pissing, but there are two streams. " What the hell is that?" he asks. "War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes" Then the guy looks to his right and sees... three streams! " What the hell is that?" "War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes" The two veterans then look at the guy in the middle and see...12. streams! ! " War wound?" "Naah, my zipper's stuck"

~ ~ ~

Two men were in a pub. One man said, "Did you know that beer contains female hormones?" The other man said, "No! Is it true?" "Yes," said the first man "If you drink too much, you start talking crap and you drive terribly."

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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $ 100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' 1'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I thought we had a deal." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $ 100 bill into his hand whispered back "She made me a much better offer."

~ ~ ~ .

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..." The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

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It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans !" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet. "I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!" After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. " Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

~ ~ ~

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said," I think my dog is dead. "The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didnt move. "Yes, your dog is dead, "said the doctor. "How much do I owe you?' the lady asked. Rs 2050.00 the lady asked. "Yes, Rs.45.00 for the office visit and Rs.2005.00 for the cat scan.

~ ~ ~

A wife one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough.

~ ~ ~

A Man is hit on the head by a used condom thrown out a third-story window. He storms into the house and demands to know who is in the room above. "My daughter, "says the owner of the house. "Is she alone?" "No, my intended son-in-law is with her, why?" "No reason; I just thought I ought to tell you that your intended grandson has just had a bad fall."

.~ ~ ~

A Maternity home housed in the first floor of a multi-storeyed building had on the first floor a dry cleaner boasting of one-day service. Came a terrible dust storm which knocked down the maternity home's signboard. It fell on the dry cleaner's obligation all of it except the bottom-line. After the storm had blown over the two signboard read collectively as follows" City maternity Home Delivery within 24hour

~ ~ ~ .

A lady went to the hospital emergency room and said, "I want to see the upturn." "I think," said the lady. "I want to get a contamination done." "Guess so, "said the lady. "I want to get a contamination done." "You mean an examination," corrected the nurse. "Okay, but I want to go to the fraternity ward." I am sure," said the nurse, "that you mean the maternity ward," "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination, fraternity, maternity, what difference does it make?" said the lady. "I only know that I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant"

~ ~ ~

A farmer buys a young mare and puts her in the same corral with a stallion, but not wanting her to be bred he ties a bed sheet around her buttocks for the night. In the morning she is gone. He trails her, and asks a neighbor if he saw a mare run by with a sheet tied around her back. "No," says the neighbor, "but I saw one dash past with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."

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A man with four beautiful daughters told his prospective son-in-law hat he could select anyone of the four. The eldest one was a telephone 'operator, the next a bank officer, the third a doctor and the youngest a teacher. The boy selected the youngest and marries her. When asked why he preferred the youngest, he said, "The telephone operator is in the habit of saying 'wait please', the bank officer of saying 'stand in the queue', the doctor of saying' relax and take it lightly' but the school teacher always says 'repeat, repeat'."

~ ~ ~

Walking into a chemist shop, two children asked the pharmacist for "sanitary napkins. The man smiled, "Are these for your mother?" "No," said one of the kids. "For us." "For you? Whatever for?" "It said on the television that if you used them you could swim, skate and ride a bicycle and do a lot of other things."

~ ~ ~

A woman travelling in India falls in love with an Indian prince, and begs him to come back to America with her. He assures her that this is impossible, as the color of his skin would cause her to be ostracized, but he gives her a magic penis carved of ivory which, by saying to it the mystic word "Yogi," will solace her in his absence. Back in America, her sister finds her writhing on the bed one afternoon, under the ministrations of the magic penis, but does not believe a word of the story. "Ridiculous," she says. "Yogi, my ass! -Eek!"

~ ~ ~

A Pretty girl walked in to a hospital and said to a doctor, I have something wrong with my shoulder. Can you help me?" A young man instructed "Lie down, miss." I After a while the girl said, "That's not my shoulder." "And I am not a doctor, miss, "said the young man.

~ ~ ~

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

~ ~ ~

A visitor to a mental institution was amazed to notice that one of the patients spoke quite intelligently. This caused him to ask as to why he was there. "It's because I prefer shoes to boots, "said the patient. "But many people prefer shoes to boots, "said the visitor. "As a matter of fact I do myself' "Really!" replied the patient, "How do you like them fried or boiled?"

~ ~ ~

I don't like the sound of your heart, "the doctor said, applying the stethoscope again. "You have had some trouble with angina pectoris, haven't you ?" "You're right in a way, Doctor, "said the young man sheepishly. "Only that isn't her name," A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,' she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six," he said.